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  • Noun

Angry Scotsmen have traced the word “word” back to 1990, when it was used by the hard rock band Gun in the lyrics of their song “Word Up!”

Others point to the Old English word, “word”—and how tempting! The tricksters behind this etymological prankery have contrived to convince us that the contemporary “word” from the Old English “word” evolved from the Proto-Germanic “wurda,” supposedly the source of the Old Saxon and Old Frisian “word,” the Dutch “woord,” the Old High German “woort”—and on and on.

Indisputable evidence of the real etymology of the word “word” is not hard to uncover, provided one has the guts to look beyond the fraudulent version, straight into the dragon-like-intensity-level eyes of the truth. “Seek,” the say, “and ye shall find.” But where?

“Word’s” authentic etymology is encoded—plain as day!—in ancient scrolls that turn to dust when touched or breathed upon. The origin of “word” has also been widely disseminated in disappearing ink, optical illusions on dollar bills, and cryptography understood only by introverts, perverts, and too-late Heaven’s Gate converts who can be recognized by their brand new Nikes and quickly waning zeal. The birth of “word” can easily be pinpointed by watching—in reverse—any internet video made by a Flat Earther, 9/11 Truther, or some guy who happened to be recording with his cell phone at the very moment when he discovered the skeletal remains of livestock victimized by a chupacabra.

Hot tip: check out the Illuminati’s most sacred text: The Word: How to Obtain Infinitely Superior Top Secret Wealth Manifesting & Sex Happening For You Secret Knowledge, written in the form of an email that ended up on your spam folder six years ago. Also, you’ve got to watch the Hollywood film, Don’t Say a Word, starring Michael Douglas, Sean Bean, and Brittany Murphy is also available on Netflix. Neither are related to etymology, but seriously soooo good!!

For those of you somehow still confused about the whole “word” thing, I guess I’ll just have to spell it out:

The trailblazing Doug E Fresh & The Get Fresh Crew rapped the word “word”—first Doug, then none other than the legendary Slick Rick—in the 1985 hit single, “The Show:”

Slick Rick: Well, here’s a little something that needs to be heard. Doug, I was walking down the street—

Doug E Fresh: Word, Rick?

Slick Rick: Word!

And so it was that “word” joined the ranks of words.




  • Noun

“Eyelash” refers to one of the short curved hairs growing from the edges of eyelids. This has been true since day one of the English language, when a lady name Eadgyd Blagden pinched from her young son’s cheek what she termed “a derelict eye hair.” The boy shrieked and immediately fell ill with bloody flux, grocer’s itch, and ultimately died of strangery.

  • Definite article

In the English language, “the” is by far the most common definite article—a word used directly before a noun, when we can safely assume the reader or listener already knows what we’re referring to. We use “the” so much, in fact, that its origin can be deduced by that very fact. You see, “the” is the first word ever, written or spoken, of the English language.

Think about it! English wouldn’t work without “the,” so it had to be the very first English speaker’s virginal utterance. That’s logic and it can’t be beat. However, to deepen out understanding of “the” as it functions—which is as a “definite article”—let us smush and mash and scramble together both “the” and “definite article” into “the definite article.” Why? Because I’m the etymologist and I said so.

Anyway, here are a few wonderfully clarifying usages of “the definite article” that are entirely the opposite of perplexing and will absolutely not cause you to wonder what the hell is going on right now:

Example 1: My local newspaper ran a story today revealing that those two elementary school math teachers who are married to each other are actually first cousins, and trust me—this one’s the definite article we’ll be hearing about for a while.

Example 2: The definite article is a riddle solvable only by those who dare not speak an answer.

Example 3: Three elegant silk scarves (two solid, non-primary colors and one patterned), versatile flats, a sassy retro style sweater dress, pantyhose (nude, opaque black, and sheer black), expensive jeans that sculpt from your derriere such a perfect heart you’re bound to get sued for many cases of whiplash, and finally all elements of a quintessential Diane Keaton outfit—these, my poor girl, my little ugly duckling—oh, but a swan you will be!—are the definite articles of every sophisticated young lady’s wardrobe.

Another easy way to remember the origin of word “the” is by memorizing this simple children’s rhyme: “The the of the the is the the of all—but before the the the the was un-the! Oh, what the and who the and how the and from whence the and which the and why the and the dish ran away with the spoon?? WTF!!! Oh, thank goodness the the is now the after all!”


Etymology coming soon!